Scientific Correctness Survey

A recent survey by the U.S. National Science Foundation found that
52% of the respondents believe that the earliest human beings
lived at the same time as the dinosaurs.

Once again it is time to vote on "scientifical correctness" and
help the scientific community decide which side of various issues
it should accept as "correct".

Please check only one:

13% Dinosaurs and man walked together millions of years ago.
06% Dinosaurs and man walked together less than 10,000 years ago.
61% Dinosaurs and man walked together, but it was purely platonic.
14% Dinosaurs became extinct before the first humans existed.
06% Humans became extinct before the first dinosuars existed.

But later on, mini-air reported:
1997-01-12      Scientific Correctness: Dino Survey Results

Thank you to everyone who participated in the first of our
SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEYS to establish the correct answers to
heated scientific controversies. This first question is now
settled. The lion and the lamb, the preacher and the politician,
the spider and the fly -- all can now walk hand in hand (or other,
analogous appendage), in harmonious agreement.
Here are the results, of the vote:

33% Dinosaurs and man walked together less than 10,000 years ago.
30% Dinosaurs became extinct before the first humans existed.
23% Dinosaurs and man walked together millions of years ago.
09% Humans became extinct before the first dinosaurs existed.
02% Declined, or were unable, to express an opinion
02% Agreed with all of the choices listed above
01% Dinosaurs and man walked together, but it was purely platonic.

Investigator Thomas B. Roos reports that he plans to use this
survey in future exams at Dartmouth College.

Investigator J. Mohler reports, "As documented in the comic strip
"Alley Oop", while dinosaurs and humans coexisted during
prehistoric times, they rarely if ever walked together. When they
were going in the same direction, the human invariably choose to
ride."

Investigator John J. Lannutti concludes that, currently,
"dinosaurs mostly fly while man mostly walks."

Investigator Jim Culter concludes that dinosaur bones were placed
in the fossil strata 10,000 years ago in order to confuse and
mislead 20th century scientists, and that dinosaurs never actually
existed.

Investigator Frank Stephan raises a concern common to the German
scientific community, in reporting, "This vote is placed in the
belief, that alligators do not count as dinosaurs in spite of the
fact that these two species are relatives. But in this case it was
more a hating than loving relationship."

Evolution

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post, Hominid skull.”

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.

Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
2. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.

While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positatingfillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities