Cultivating a Tender Heart and a Tough Hide

For as long as I have been in the ministry I have asked the Lord for a balance between a tender heart and a tough hide. It isn’t an easy balance. In fact, the latter is more difficult to cultivate than the former. In order to be fully engaged in ministry, job number one is to have a tender heart. The challenge is developing a tough hide.

Those in ministry are especially likely to be lightning rods; we are big targets for criticism. Every passionate pastor, every Christian leader, every Christian author I know can list a litany of things that have been said and done against them, many of them unfairly.

What about you? How do you deal with judgmental remarks, those unkind put-downs made to your face or, worse, behind your back? When a neighbor mocks your version of biblical parenting, when that couple in your small group questions every decision you make, when you find out a fellow Christian you thought was your friend has been spreading rumors about you, how do you respond? Are you tough and tender or do you become brittle and bitter?

Few handle criticism well. But we’d all have to agree, there was one man who handled it with grace and grit.

In Acts 24, Paul is on the witness stand before Governor Felix while a shady lawyer named Tertullus pontificates through some trumped-up charges. As you read along in this chapter, you will notice Paul waits for the smoke to clear and then calmly steps up to give a defense. Paul’s words illustrate seven ways to maintain a tender heart and a tough hide while enduring criticism.

Number one: He refused to be caught up in the emotion of the charges. That’s the first mistake we usually make. Everything in us prefers to lash out, to protest, to cry, or simply walk out. Paul refused to overreact. His opening line is disarmingly pleasant, “I cheerfully make my defense.”

Cheerfully? By now the man ought to be blazing with indignation! Even though labeled as “a real pest” and a ringleader of a cult (see Acts 24:5), Paul graciously acknowledged the opportunity to make a defense. He refused to let his emotions take the lead.

When we lower ourselves to the overcharged emotions of accusers, our anger is unleashed. When that occurs, straight thinking caves in to irrational responses and impulsive words. Paul didn’t go there.

Number two: He stayed with the facts. He said, “You can check my record. Twelve days ago I went up to worship. You can ask those who were there.” He reported, “Neither in the temple, nor in the synagogues, nor in the city itself did they find me carrying on a discussion with anyone or causing a riot. Nor can they prove to you the charges of which they now accuse me” (Acts 24:11–13).

The apostle never blinked. He stood his ground with stubborn facts. That strategy not only kept him on target, it enhanced his credibility in the eyes of Governor Felix.

Number three: He told the truth with a clear conscience. Paul stated, “But this I admit to you . . . I do serve the God of our fathers . . . I also do my best to maintain always a blameless conscience . . . both before God and before men”
(Acts 24:14–16).

There is nothing like a clean conscience. It not only helps you sleep well, it keeps you thinking clearly. You have no fear that some skeleton will rattle when the investigation begins . . . because there is no skeleton!

Number four: He identified the original source of the criticism. Few things are more maddening than shadowboxing when you’re dealing with criticism. One of the worst things you can do is to spread the venom to a number of other people—your children, your parents, your friends, or a group of other Christians—rather than going to the original source of contention and addressing it. You need a tough hide to do that.

Number five: He would not surrender or quit. I love that about Paul. He’s like a pit bull on your ankle; he won’t let go! Take a moment to read 2 Corinthians 11:23–33. Beaten, bloodied, shipwrecked, harassed, endangered, run out of town, and falsely accused, Paul didn’t give up, let up, or shut up.

Number six: He did not become impatient or bitter. For two years Paul had been waiting for this trial. Did you know that? Yet we see no sign of bitterness. No impatience. No grudges. No ranting against the Roman authorities. Paul believed God was firmly in control of both people and events.

Number seven: He stood on the promise of God.

Someone has said that there are over 7,000 promises in the Bible. Have you claimed one this past week? Two? Do I hear five?

How did Paul handle criticism? He refused to get caught up in the emotion of the charges. He stayed with the facts. He told the truth with a clear conscience. He identified the original source of the accusations. He refused to surrender or quit. He became neither impatient nor bitter. He stood on the promise of God. Is that great or what? And it’s all from the Bible. You can do every one of those seven. If you want a tender heart and a tough hide when enduring criticism, you must do them. So must I.

What Makes Up a Real Man?

I came across this article. It seems to encompass the  heart of mans,Gods image.

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It seems that the general image of “A real man”, since the time Cain floored Abel, is the one who is easy to spot - he is the last one standing.April 15th (1912) was the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic and I thought today’s message was most appropriate as an example of the image of A Real Man that my grandfather, father and I grew up with.

“I am willing to remain and play the man’s game if there are not enough boats for more than the women and children…. Tell my wife I played the game straight out and to the end. No woman shall be left aboard this ship because Ben Guggenheim is a coward.” - Final words of Benjamin Guggenheim, millionaire traveler aboard the ill-fated Titanic. As the boat began to sink, Guggenheim changed into formal dress and calmly faced death.

A very different view came from a description I read back in the late ’70s. It is what I like to think makes “A real man” today. And, personally, I have worked since that time at becoming this man. I’ve only changed the deity to one that works for me. Use one or don’t. What ever works for you. This was written by Star Hawk from the book Spiral Dance

“If man had been created in Spirit’s image,
He would be free to be wild without being cruel,
Angry without being violent,
Sexual without being coercive,
Spiritual without being unsexed,
And able to truly love.”

I’d recommend reading it again and be with it for a moment.

In my estimation, there isn’t anything in any of the 3,000 books that we have in our men’s library, represented elsewhere on this site, whether it’s from psychology or sociology or theology or mythology or any other words or images that I’ve seen that comes close to this image of “A real man”. Granted, a rather fictional character, but most of us have been living out a fictional character all of our lives that doesn’t hold near the power of this one. Star Hawk’s words not only allow but encourage my anger and wildness and sexuality and spirituality to live naturally and vibrantly without any negative impact from any other part of me.

My statement  is my take on the extent of what “A real man” can hold in his grasp. Here’s how I see “A real man”: “Man’s inherent nature is to be curious, gentle, intimate, responsible, enthusiastic, sensual, tolerant, courageous, honest, vulnerable, affectionate, proud, spiritual, committed, wild, nurturing, peaceful, helpful, intense, compassionate, happy and to fully and safely express all emotions. When will we stop training him to be otherwise?”

Aspects of Real Men by Oscar Pridgett

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R = Respectful to others.
E = Not afraid to show his Emotions.
A = Equally Affectionate & Appreciative to his family.
L = Listen with intent to his wife and kids.

M = Well Mannered in all life’s settings.
E = Earning his own way through life is paramount.
N = Neatness, for him everything has a place.

I Am A Man

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I am taught what I am
I live out what I am
I explore what I am
I cannot hide what I am
I am just fine as I am
I am as deep as creation
I am one with creation
I am a man.

Jed Diamond, from
Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man

Three Stages of Man

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This is a look at three types of men, two are uninitiated, the Heroic (Hyper) Masculinity and the Feminized (Hypo) Masculinity and the Initiated Authentic (Integrated) Masculinity. From Knights Without Armor: A practical guide for men in quest of masculine soul by Aaron Kipnis.Heroic (Hyper) Masculinity - Uninitiated: Old male principles. Physically hard, dominating, tough, soldier, killer, coercive, controlling, Lord and master, and destructive. Emotionally closed, numb, codependent, demanding, aggressive, cynical, sex partner, defensive, repressed, bastard. Mentally compartmentalized, penetrating, analytical, splitting, linear, hierarchy, exploitive, rules and laws, doctor. Spiritually patriarchal, absolute, uninitiated, immobile, single self, divided, dogma, exclusive, priest.

Feminized (Hypo) Masculinity - Uninitiated: Traditional male principles. Physically soft, submissive, gentle, pacifist, gatherer, pliant, controlled, consort, immobile. Emotionally unprotected, flooded, dependent, smothering, passive, naive, pleaser, wounded, contained, nice guy. Mentally merged, diffused, synthetic, joining, circular, anarchy, conservative, procedures, magical thinker. Spiritually matriarchal, dualistic, seeker, in flight, selfless, disassociated, belief, inclusive, guru.

Authentic (Integrated) Masculinity - Initiated. Ancient/new male principles. Physically flexible, capable, strong, warrior, hunter, firm, vigilant, husband/partner, generative. Emotionally receptive, feeling, interdependent, nurturing, assertive, fresh/humorous, lover, deep feeling, wild/playful, fierce. Mentally eclectic, insightful, discriminating, holds paradox, holonomic, community, resourceful, personal ethics, healer. Spiritually polytheistic, paradoxical, initiated, grounded, braided self, embodied, direct experience, selective, mentor/elder.

4 Marks of a Real Man

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What is a man? That should be a simple questoin, but many young men today don’tknow the answer. Listen to the poem one young man penned for Ralph Lewis in an article in the Jan/Feb, 1999 issue of New Man.What is a man?
Is he someone who is strong and tall,
Or is taut and talented as he plays ball?
Is he someone who is hardened and rough,
Who smokes and drinks and swears enough?
Is he someone who chases women hard,
With a quest to conquer, but never dropping his guard?
Is he someone with a good business mind,
Who gets ahead of the others with his nose to the grind?
Or is he someone who tries his best,
Not really caring about any of the rest?
What is a man? Does anyone know?
TELL ME!
Who is the prototype? To whom shall I go?

So, Robert Lewis decided to lay out his Four Marks of a Real Man: His masculinity is based on faith, not flesh. In short they are:

1. A Real Man rejects passivity.
2. A Real Man accepts responsibility
3. A Real Man leads courageously
4. A Real Man expects the greater reward.

Each of these principles is further developed in the article.

A Few Good Things About Men

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Contributed by Lou Owen “I do not know the source. I came upon it years ago. I first saw it under the name “The good man project.”Relationship
Men teach and learn from others. Men coach and encourage. Men compliment. Men are peacemakers and negotiators. Men mediate, arbitrate and facilitate. Men comfort and nurture. Men enjoy solitude and companionship. Men are good friends. Men can keep a confidence. Men are faithful, sincere and decent. Men take pride in their achievements. Men try to make their community safe. Men are philanthropic and generous. Men are helpful, kind and thoughtful. Men are compassionate and sympathetic. Men cheer people up when they are down. Men are tender and gentle. Men are loving
Men debate and discuss. Men like fair play. Men like joking with others. Men entertain others. Men protect and rescue others from harm. Men sacrifice themselves for their family. Men sacrifice their lives for the greater good. Men co-operate. Men are good parents. Men lead others. Men are patient. Men are honorable. Men are honest. Men create laws to protect others. Men are tolerant and accepting of others. Men are good listeners. Men counsel. Men work together in a crisis. Men respect themselves and others. Men value all life and appreciate nature

Action
Men are decisive. Men get things done. Men are practical. Men are organizers. Men transform. Men like to fix things. Men motivate and inspire

Expression
Men are exuberant. Men are free-spirited and playful. Men are charismatic. Men like to celebrate. Men are spiritual. Men have deep feelings. Men are open and expressive. Men communicate directly. Men are witty. Men move people with their words. Men are passionate. Men enjoy sex. Men are artistic. Men create and build

Thought
Men question and seek knowledge. Men search for meaning in their lives. Men are resourceful, adaptable and flexible. Men try to create order in a chaotic world. Men are wise and understanding. Men like to know how things work. Men invent and innovate. Men like intellectual games and rules. Men hypothesize and solve problems. Men are analytical and strategic. Men are philosophical. Men are planners and forward thinkers. Men reason logically. Men are smart. Men keep things in perspective. Men hope for a better world

Strength
Men are responsible. Men provide security and stability. Men are self-reliant and independent. Men can endure great pain. Men can restrain themselves. Men are calm in a catastrophe. Men are resilient. Men are dependable and trustworthy. Men are courageous and heroic, Men stand up for what they believe. Men are solid, stoical and firm. Men fight for a good cause. Men are disciplined. Men admit to their mistakes. Men work with danger, dirt and discomfort. Men have stamina, drive and determination. Men focus and concentrate. Men are hard workers. Men use their power for the good of others

Physicality
Men are physically co-ordinated and agile. Men explore and discover. Men enjoy physical activity and games. Men like clowning around and having fun. Men take risks. Men like to hone their skills in competition. Men are physically strong

A Real Man Is…

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This is a list of input on the attributes of a real man…

• Doesn’t allow his son to be circumcised - at all costs.

• A man who gives back to his community

• Knowing God, and is full of Gods wisdom. Being tall, in height, intellengent, good looking helps

Which of the following makes a president most manly?

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• Speaks softly and carries a big stick

• A thorough grasp of big issues

• Ability to act as moral example to country

• Ability to stare down commies and terrorists without blinking

• Has a ‘way’ with the ladies

• I refuse to answer because of your obvious liberal bias

• I refuse to answer because of your obvious conservative bias

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In things pertaining to enthusiasm, no man is sane who does not know how to be insane on proper occasions. — Henry Ward Beecher 1813-1887

Real heroes are men who fall and fail and are flawed, but win out in the end because they’ve stayed true to their ideals and beliefs and commitments. — Kevin Costner

There is nothing noble in being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self. — Hindu proverb

I once climbed an imaginary mountain because it wasn’t there.

“I see the world where a dummy like me can broadcast loud and clear my dumminess by spending a small forture to wear someone else’s name to achieve my identity.”

Rich Beem - A Real Man!

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If Rich Beem’s first child arrives on time, the defending champion won’t play in the PGA Championship. “There will be no decision-making,” Beem said at Oak Hill Country Club near Rochester, N.Y., where the PGA is August 11-17. Beem said the due date is August 16. If the child is not born by then, Beem said he will wear a pager, and if his wife, Sara, goes into labor, he will join her. Beem’s not only a real real man but has all the makings of a pretty great dad, too.

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The great man is he who does not lose his child’s heart. — Mencius (371-291 B.C.)

Macho does not prove mucho. Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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CyQuest

I have taken and copied articles from this excellent website over the weekend without having time to ask permission to do so. That request is in progress. Please take the time to visit the site by clicking on the picture below.

Freedom from Hurt is a priority for us all.

HOW ARE PATTERNS CREATED?

There are basically two ways that patterns are formed: Layered pain, and imprinting. 1. LAYERED UNHEALED PAIN: It goes something like this: º We are hurt by someone or some situation. º We are unable (or not allowed) to cry the pain which would bring it naturally to healing. º The pain, and often the memory of the event, becomes frozen within us. º This is repeated over and over again, with new pain layering on top of the old pain. Being repeatedly treated in hurtful ways, or being constantly/repeatedly thrown into painful situations, and not being able to express the pain we feel about it, conditions us to respond to the world in a certain way, and to expect certain things from the world. Many patterns are formed in just this way, simply by the repetitive layering and compression of unexpressed emotion. When pain is unexpressed from one experience, it sits inside, heavy and hurting. When we are repeatedly treated in hurtful ways, the unexpressed pain builds up, layer upon layer, creating an onion with tightly compressed, but frozen, emotions and memories. At first the pain may be close to our awareness, but the heavier it becomes, the MORE pain that is piled up there, the more we need to push it away from consciousness. Pushing it away is a survival mechanism. Without being able to cry and heal the pain, having it sitting there at the back of your throat or on your forehead is constant torture. So, we push it away, and “forget”. Then it’s like having a wound that you don’t notice until something touches it. Since emotions are magnetic in essence, similar emotions will be drawn together. When an experience occurs in your life that is similar to the original pain, it is drawn to the pain of the first, and attaches itself there in sympathetic resonance. So the onions grow, and accumulate, and we have to learn to swiftly tuck the pain away in a pocket and forget. After a while we have large pockets occupied by many onions, where lots of pain is glommed together. For many of us, we don’t even know this is happening. Our resistance response is so swift and so unconscious, we are not even aware of the new pain coming in, let alone the mega-ton, multi-pocketed, onion-filled bag sitting in a back corner of our psychological basement. We may be briefly aware of some little nagging pain, but our survival depends on not feeling those feelings! And so we’ve learned ways of avoiding and containing our pain, and never see the patterns we are reinforcing. Patterns begin to form with the first few layers of unhealed pain, and are constantly being reinforced with each new layer that is added. The first painful event may create merely anger and hurt, or fear of it happening again, but it is not yet an expectation. It is not yet a BELIEF. But slowly as the layers build up, the pain we are holding becomes the platform for a belief system that tells us what to expect from the world. If we are treated in hurtful ways, we come to expect hurt from the world. We *believe* that is reality. And worse, we *believe* that that reality is what we deserve somehow. The decisions that first go into forming these beliefs are primitive. They are based on primal response to pain that has no outlet. And because the emotions are frozen in time, they cannot evolve and grow to understanding or forgiveness. The pain is supporting decisions and beliefs that were incorrect, but changing your mind is only part of the solution. TRULY changing these beliefs and patterns can only be done by unraveling, or peeling, each onion; by allowing the pain to move, and the emotions to unfreeze and then the beliefs will evolve naturally. NOTE: Sometimes the beliefs themselves keep the pattern locked in place and prevents us from reaching and feeling (and healing) our pain. If this is the case, it’s needful to do some judgment release, goal setting, visualization, etc, to jostle the frozen belief enough to allow the pain to surface. 2. IMPRINTING: Some patterns are formed by a single force or impact at an early stage of development. An extremely traumatic or painful event acts on the pre-consciousness something like smashing a stamp down on a blank sheet of paper. In a pre-conscious state, we experience the pain of this impact without any ability to process it or understand it, and it goes into a state of hiding. Imprinting can occur at later stages of life as well. The main difference between imprinting and layered pain is the magnitude of the pain, and the force of it. If the impact is great enough - painful enough - to cause fragmentation, then the part of us that took the hit is severed from us. We retain the imprint, the stamp, where the pain was given, but we have no memory at all of what happened. This is not merely a hidden memory, but a fragmented one. Whether hidden or fragmented, until we cry the pain and heal the wound, our psyche forever holds the imprint of that stamp, and its shape is forcefully embedded into our lives.

Patterns in Self Hate

How Patterns Affect (and Rule) Our Relationships
Patterns have been the cause of many relationships both forming and falling apart. How many times have you seen someone become involved with the same “type” of partner, over and over and over again, repeating the same roles and experiencing the same damaging things? This is because the pattern is choosing the relationship.

That is not to say there’s no love involved. There is often great love because often those who we bonded with in love in past lives or shared love in Original Cause, have matching or complementary patterns to ours. Sometimes the other person is actually of the same essence family as ourselves, and so we are drawn together in need and hopes of healing.

Even if the other person does not share essence with you, the possibility is high that you are drawn together as an opportunity for healing, which is guided by the True Soul within each of you. At the base of all emotional activity is the desire for movement and healing. Beneath the patterns and the acting out is the True Soul seeking an outlet, an avenue for expression, looking for healing and love.

Breaking the Patterns & Finding Love

If you’re in a relationship formed and bonded by mutually interacting patterns, you need to be aware that it’s difficult - if not impossible - to break the patterns unless BOTH partners are willing to cry and work on the root causes of their patterns.

Many times one partner will begin the healing process and try to push the other into healing with them. That almost never works. A person has to feel the desire to go down this road from within themselves. No external prompting or threats or cajoling will give them the same desire for healing. It must come from within. This path is difficult enough, and it’s not for everyone at this time. If your partner resists this type of healing, DO NOT PRESSURE them.

Breaking patterns within a relationship can be very scary. You will probably feel as if your survival is threatened and the other person will occasionally seem like the enemy to you. And vice versa. If you begin to step outside the relationship’s interlocking patterns, the other person will likely see YOU as the enemy, because their patterns are being jostled and poked and forced out of the status quo by your shifts. To the pattern, your refusal to interact with it in the way you have in the past is received as an act of betrayal. If you refuse to fall back into the old behaviors, it could even be felt as an act of war. If the other person does not cry their own pain, they will most likely threaten to end the relationship with accusations that you don’t love them anymore, or you’ve pulled back or withdrawn.

It’s entirely possible that you will have to accept the end of the relationship if the person cannot cry and heal and break their own pattern. Try to remember that the pattern - which may hate you and blame you - is not the person. However, if they are unwilling or unable to cry and shift and heal, you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship and continue to interact with their patterns. You should not REQUIRE that of yourself … do not let guilt to force you to stay in a situation which is not healing for you. To require that of yourself, without hope of the pattern healing or breaking, is not only unfair to yourself, but could potentially be damaging.

When Love Wants to Stay

I don’t mean to say that it’s hopeless. It is possible to maintain the relationship with love intact, while continuing to move and shift and heal your own patterns. It’s not easy, though.

At first, staying outside the pattern will seem almost impossible. First, your partner knows your patterns, and secretly knows your pain underlying them, just as you secretly know theirs. One of the ways they will try to draw you back into the pattern is to poke at your pain. And since these ruts have been ingrained for a long time, it won’t be easy to keep your wheels out of them. The wagon will just want to slide back into the same old tracks. You will need to decide if staying in the relationship is worth it for your own healing. It can be done, if the love is great enough.

You will need to find creative ways to live outside the pattern, while maintaining a loving relationship with somebody inside their own patterns. Not an easy task. And not one that has pat, easy answers.

You can unhook your needs from your partner, and focus on living your own life. You can release them from your expectations and free them to live their own lives, while maintaining the relationship.

The solution really depends on what the pattern wants, expects, and is covering up.

Therefore, the true solution can only be found by thoroughly crying your own pain, healing YOUR side of the pattern, and then allowing creative solutions to come to you through your healed Soul. Trust me, you will find yourself receiving answers you never thought of before. This process really does work, and healing the soul releases a kind of magic that isn’t really magic. It’s just the way the soul works. It is creative, and productive, and capable of literally saving our lives.

Being Alone

If you find yourself alone, just remember … there will come a time in your own healing when you will be able to draw to you a partner that more truly fits your desire, not just your patterns. Or at least, you will be able to draw in a partner who is willing and able to do the healing work WITH you, which means you’ll have greater possibility of breaking through both your patterns. In the meantime, you don’t have to do without love. Just remember that many of your choices are springing from the pain hidden in the pockets of your dark basement, and until you have those things healed, you can’t expect your life to outpicture anything different. If you can try to look at your relationships as signposts - let them show you where your pain is and where your patterns are acting out - then your expectations of yourself (and your partners) will be much more realistic. Find love where you can, BUILD love where you can, and heal as much as you can along the way.

Healing Self-Hate

Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you LOVE me? Then why can’t I feel it?

Self-hate is evident in everyone on this planet. A broad statement, yes, but we believe this to be true. To one degree or another, everyone has lack of self-acceptance, lack of self-love.

Feelings of unworthiness are at the root of the self hate patterns. Self-hate keeps us from feeling loved by another. We are frozen in unworthiness, often battering away at the stone with affirmations and behaviors to try to feel better about ourselves. We exercise and diet and build careers and seek power or fame. We wear makeup and hair gel and cologne, trying to hide the awful people we “know” we are deep inside. We seek lover after lover, trying to feel loved and special and valuable . . . but we never really FEEL it. We drink and drug and sex, trying to dull the pain at the core of our bones that says “unworthy”.

The only way to heal the dark demon at the center of the SELF is to allow the feelings of self-loathing expression, in a safe place, and hopefully with someone who loves and can listen without judging.

Healing Self-Hate

The antidote to self-hate is not self-love. You cannot simply choose self-love. This is not a true understanding of the workings of the soul. Change by choice only happens in the mind and spirit. We cannot just jump to self-acceptance. No matter how much you change your mind or beliefs or attitudes, you will still have the backlog hidden in your attic, and that will sabotage your life no matter how blind you try to be to it.

The pain held in the unconscious lives on until it is given expression in the way IT needs to express. Emotional essence needs to express in emotional ways. That is why we say that Crying is the most important of our healing tools.

Self-love is not the antidote. It is the RESULT, the evolutionary landing point, that comes naturally after healing has taken place. And it cannot be forced by mind’s decisions.

However, the mind *does* have an important role to play in the healing of self-hate. As with forgiveness, rage, and other difficult healings, we must set an intention to heal, and that begins in the mind or spirit. When you set the intention to love yourself you are purposely and consciously setting the stage for change. That doesn’t mean painting over the surface with false self-love or phony self-lessness. It means stating a desire and intention . .. and then going deeply into the feelings under the surface and allowing them to cry all the way to healing.

Mind holds the intent for self-love, and that includes love for all the parts of the self. That means holding space for the feelings to express, as much as they need to, as long as they need to, and as deeply as they need to. Mind listens. Mind accepts. Mind waits for the feelings to shift and change all by themselves. Mind does not dictate when this will happen, or how long it will take. Mind just holds the space for it to happen. As the stage manager, Mind / Consciousness sets the tone, the lights, the colors. And then steps back and allows feelings to enter the stage to share their pain and experiences and memories.

Why Is It So Hard to Heal?

Self-hate is one of the most difficult patterns to get people to face or see in themselves, and some of the most difficult feelings to get hold of to cry and heal. It’s a slippery little sucker. The ways self-hate will act out to avoid really feeling the pain are too numerous to list here. Even approaching the self-hate can trigger it into knee-jerk survival terror. Sometimes shining just the tiniest bit of light on a self-hate pattern will cause the pattern to explode — you may find yourself sliding down into a hugely maudlin self-hate/shame spiral, or lashing out in blaming ways at others. Self-hate can be very much like a festering sore . . . even the slightest touch can trigger waves and waves of overwhelming pain that we believe we must not feel / cannot survive, and send us into ginormous knee-jerk responses.

One thing to remember here is that the purpose of the pattern is to keep the real feelings from surfacing. The more we act it out, the less we actually FEEL it. And the self-hate pattern often takes on a survival mask at this point, and acts to keep itself intact. Any attempt to push through the barrier will only cause it to fortify itself, act out more and more, and become harder and more difficult to penetrate.

Real Survival Terror

There is also a true feeling of self-survival that can make self-hate difficult to heal.

We know, instinctively, that if we fall headlong into the feelings underlying the self-hate pattern, we’ll eventually hit a place that says “I don’t deserve to live”, which equates at the root level to “DIE DIE DIE”. Our survival fear says if we touch those feelings, we will actually begin to die, either passively or actively. So our survival instinct kicks in to stay far away from the self-hate feelings, and actually assists the patterns in suppressing the real feelings.

This is especially true for yang energy people. The feelings of giving up / going down / death /dying are entirely unacceptable to the yang energy. These feelings go against their very nature. Many yang polarized people have pushed the yin essence holding self-hate out of themselves to the point where it has fragmented and they are no longer aware of feeling hopeless or self-hating. They may then turn and feel superior toward those who are on self-destructive paths or stuck in self-hating ruts.

The First Step In Healing

The first thing we must know is that it IS possible to heal these feelings without letting them take us down to death.

Because we have not always understood how the emotions heal, most of us have never had the experience of allowing full expression, and seeing the evolution that can happen following a good long heartful cry. Until you have the experience of this, you will have to take our word for it. It IS true. Emotions can evolve and heal.

Mostly our past experience with self-hate has been entirely negative, purely an exercise in acting out a pattern. This means that for many people, the first problem will be getting through the barrier of fear that says, if I go there, I’ll die, it will take me down to death. Allowing this fear to cry first will open the stage up a bit, and make some space for the self-hate feelings to come to the surface.

Interrupting the Pattern

It is extremely easy to fall into the negative thought patterns of self-hate, and so it’s important to have some tools to interrupt the ways that mind acts in collusion with self-hate. We have to interrupt that negative self-talk. When the pattern starts running its litany of things you’ve done wrong, or ways you are unworthy, you need to have ways to stop the record from playing.

Of course, if you can, the best thing to do is let yourself cry at the moment you realize the pattern is playing. But sometimes it’s so strong and so entrenched that it’s hard, if not impossible to stop. Some things to try:

• Do something different from your norm. Jump up and dance, do push-ups, throw paint on a wall, turn on some music that touches your heart. The idea here is not to distract you from your feelings, but to interrupt the critical voice that runs, to stop the round-robin rut that mind gets into. Always remember, getting to ignition is the goal.
• Talk Back to it. This is one of the best techniques for getting past . The self-hate pattern says, basically, “You suck”. Try talking back to it. Say things like “I’m wonderful, I’m the most loveable and valuable person in the world!” Say it loud and with as much feeling as you can muster. What will happen, if you allow it, is the feelings of self-loathing will rise up. You’ll feel it as an urge to laugh when you say these “ridiculous” things about yourself. Or you might feel it as anger, an angry voice that says “No, I’m not wonderful or loveable, I’m crap!” If you can let the feelings come further to the surface, they will begin to cry, either as grief-type self-loathing, or rage-type self-hate. Or both! Let it come, let it surface and cry, for as long as you can.
• Talk WITH it. Similar to the method above, this one lets you take the maudlin self-hate pattern and exaggerate it, make it bigger and worse, as bad as you can possibly imagine. You may get some tears with this method also. Or it may just make you laugh, which is perfectly acceptable. It’s one way to interrupt the pattern & stop the record from playing over and over again.
• Release judgments, set goals & visualize. The other tools we’ve offered are an important part of the healing process, and can come in handy here. Use all the tools to set goals and release the old judgments and beliefs that mind holds. Visualizeyourself as a worthy, powerful person. Write down self-loving affirmations and tack them to your walls and refrigerator doors. By doing these things you are setting the stage for self-love. And then be sure to allow the players to enter the arena, allow the parts that are feeling the pain of self-hate, blame and shame to speak and cry and remember.

Letting the Feelings Cry

Self-hate can be very difficult to cry. You may find yourself bouncing around between other feelings in an effort to get to the deep self-hate stuff. You may need to cry some survival terror first, in order to make room and have acceptance for the feelings that want to die. Or you may need to cry shame at HAVING self-hate, before you can get to the actual self-hate. The emotional barriers will be different for each person, depending on your processing modality, and your yes/no orientation.

Yin Yang orientation can also affect where you are most comfortable in the self-hate spectrum. For instance:

When I cry shame, it cries as a wail, a deep feeling of the heart caving in, a feeling of wanting to withdraw, go away, hide, even be dead. There may be sadness and fear laced throughout, fear of reprisals and condemnation. Yin people may tend to want to stay mostly in these feelings.

When I cry blame hate it cries as rage, with an active desire to hurt/harm. The fact that this desire to hurt/harm is aimed at the self makes it very difficult to own and feel. Yang people may tend to stay in these feelings.

It’s important to keep the doors open to whatever you feel, and not to veto any part of the spectrum, if you can.

Regaining Heart - Almost always following a big spate of self-blame/hate crying, I go deeply into tears of heartbreak. If this happens to you, try not to stop the process or censor it in any way. What I’ve found is that the heart feels self-hate in the same hurtful way that it feels outside hate. It hurts. It breaks your heart. This means that one of the natural benefits of healing self-hate is that more of your heart will be able to come to the surface.

Role Playing - You may need to use some role-playing techniques to stir the feelings to the surface. Just be aware that resistance will be high for these feelings, and role-playing may send the self-hate pattern into overdrive. If you try role-playing and you feel frozen and shut-down instead of getting to tears, then that’s not the best method for you to use. There is no one method that will work for everybody. And there is usually no one method that will work for you every time either. Resistance is clever and slippery, and patterns themselves help keep the tears suppressed. You’ll need to be clever and patient, and persistent.

Imagining Love - One method that works for me almost every time is to imagine love. I imagine a loving presence - mother, father, lover, dog - and try to imagine them loving me. I try to feel them there for me, offering me warm hugs and understanding, asking me to tell them how I feel, inviting me to sit in the big comfy chair and put my head on their shoulder. This imagining usually triggers tears in short order. If I’m really stuck in self-hate, it’s hard to imagine a loving presence, of course, but just the effort of doing so can trigger the tears of the feelings that say “I don’t deserve that loving presence” or “I will never have anybody who loves me”, or whatever the feelings are.

Shift Your Point of Awareness - I found it helpful to shift my point of awareness INTO the hate, and pretend that I was somebody else feeling it, hating “me”. The first time this happened it was an accident. I had been experiencing the self-hate as a dark evil witch that wanted me dead. I was crying deeply in the shame and fear OF the hate, and suddenly I switched and became the witch. The imagery was much like the scene in the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy is captured in the castle. One part of me was Dorothy, and the hatred/blame was the Witch. I went back and forth between these two parts in my crying for quite some time, and was finally able to get the Witch incorporated into “me”. I still use this technique occasionally whenever the self-hate is avoiding me.

Giving Hatred Back

If you think you might be holding somebody else’s hatred, it’s important to take steps to release it and let it go back to its rightful home. This can involve asking God for assistance. You should regularly request that anything that does not belong to you be taken from you. You actually don’t have to know where it came from, who it belongs to, or where it’s going when it leaves you. You can leave that up to the loving assistance of Father.
It may not be as easy as 1-2-3. There may be a long history of the external hatred intertwining with your own self-hate, and the unraveling may take some time and need to go in baby-step stages. You may have an unconscious desire to NOT release this hatred because - much like touching a deeply embedded splinter - jostling the place where it is held within means feeling the pain of the wound. Following a release of some of the hatred, you may find yourself flooded with your own pain and needing to cry shame and horror and heartbreak and so on. Only when you’ve finished crying your own wound will you actually feel some relief of having that DarkDeath-hatred removed.

Breathe In Love

Love cannot be felt when there is no space for it. We must vibrate the self-hate feelings, loosen guilt and let it leave, and then - WHEW - there is space to love, and feel loved. Each time you cry, be sure to fill your space with loving light. Ask for comfort, and love, and validation, and feel it filling in the space where you have freed up some of that frozen compressed pain. Take some deep, slow breaths and feel the love coming in. And then let yourself rest in the arms of love, and know that you are worthy and valuable.

Self-Hate Patterns

This is the biggest Problem I have ever come across for Christians.

 

You can enforce mental changes which never touch the depths of the soul. Self-love cannot be gained through the spirit.

Self-hate is the most insidious and pervasive problem we all have. Self-hate underlies most patterns, and rules most relationships. The patterns springing from it can manifest in a wide variety of ways. That’s because self-hate hides so well, and has the ability to co-opt other patterns for its use.

Remember, the purpose of a pattern is twofold: to mask the real feelings/pain we hold, and to play out or create the reality of the beliefs within the pattern. At the base of the self-hate patterns are a feeling of deep unworthiness. So the pattern must find ways to both hide the real feelings, and also play them out in reality in some way. If reality doesn’t fit what self-hate believes is true, the pattern will cause us to do something that will sabotage our success. Whether it’s self-sabotage or getting others to participate in our downfall, the self-hate patterns can be quite creative in finding ways to make reality fit the “I am bad” picture.

This is difficult to understand, to believe that we would be so perverse as to purposely create self-harming realities! But it’s also a testament to our innate power to create.

HOW SELF-HATE PATTERNS FORM: Blaming and Shaming

There are two parts to the formation of self-hate patterns. The first is BLAME, which usually originates with judgments in the mind/spirit.

When we are children, before we have an understanding of “self” vs. “other”, we are particularly open and vulnerable to the input of those around us. We form our sense of self based on how we are treated. We can both be imprinted at the emotional level (made to feel bad), and the mental level (taught judgments of good/bad and right/wrong). But it doesn’t matter if the judgments came from our parents, teachers, friends, church, or if they originated with something within our own self. The point is that our mind believes the judgments and takes on the role of carrying out the sentencing. This means part of the self is actively blaming another part of the self. Self-blame is the hate part of self-hate.

The second part of the picture involves the soul. The soul receives the judgment/blame as feelings of SHAME.

Shame can be thought of as the energetic opposite of hate. The shape of hate is outward, forward, convex, active. The shape of shame is inward, concave, passive. Shame causes us to abdicate our own space. Shame says we deserve bad things, do not deserve good things. When we feel shame, we shrink, we give over, we collapse.

Shame doesn’t always come from feeling judged. We may feel remorse and regret over having hurt someone we love, or having neglected them in some way. This is not a judgment sourcing from the mind, but pain that comes from the heart and soul. When you love someone you don’t want them to be hurting. And when you are the one who causes them to hurt, you feel remorse, regret, and that turns to shame. Remorse and regret can be cried though, and we can always make things right with the ones we have hurt. If we can’t make it right with them personally, we can make it right spiritually and energetically, and that energy will reach them on another level. And we can commit to never doing that kind of harm again.

Note: Guilt and self-hate are not the same thing, but are tightly intertwined. Guilt comes from outside ourselves and occupies the space we give up when we feel shame. Guilt pushes on our shame, makes us feel worse. That’s when we say we feel guilty, but we are actually feeling shame. The test? Guilt doesn’t cry. It can’t be healed. Shame does cry, and it can be healed. The only way to move guilt out is to cry our shame and take back our space.

Through the blame and shame process, conclusions are drawn that form our belief system with the concrete belief “I am bad” at the foundation. And then we don’t fight back when bad things happen because, after all, that’s what we deserve. Or, we fight back while at the same time knocking ourselves down.

TWO OTHER IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS –

There are two other ways that self-hate patterns can be formed, or contributed to. Usually when we see a person with self-hate as a LIFE pattern, they have a combination of the shame/blame, and one or both of the additional problems here. Knowing these things makes it a little easier to heal. Although sometimes we don’t know the source until we begin to cry the pain.

1. Rage in Conversion: This is not actually self-hate. It’s what we call a conversion. It actually begins as a thwarted rage response to something external.

When we are hurt, frightened, threatened or left with unmet needs, when we have been mistreated or abused, we are naturally and spontaneously angry about it. If we have no self-hate/self-doubt, then we automatically feel that the hurt or neglect is UNFAIR! And both our soul and spirit try to make sense of the hurting. The deeply felt response from the core of a self-loving being is “why is this happening to me”? “Why did you hurt me, terrify me, leave me?” etc.

If the hurt/fear/anger is allowed to cry at the moment, it heals and dissipates, and the quest for the cause expands to greater understandings, as well as greater abilities to get out of the hurtful situation. But when the rage is not allowed to cry, especially if it is suppressed with threats of MORE violence, it builds up a compressed energy charge. Compressed energy eventually becomes like a volcano that MUST blow. Energy must go somewhere. But when it tries to express outwardly, it hits a wall and has nowhere to go but back in on itself. Then the quest for a “reason” turns inward, as does the rage at being mistreated. The mind builds a rigid belief that says “I deserve this”, and soul feels the rage that is twisting and turning back inward. The soul responds with shame and alarm. Is this my fault? Did I cause this? It becomes a twisted pretzel at this point, and we can no longer separate “hate you” from “hate me”. Rage has converted itself into self-hate.

How to know if you are holding converted rage? When you begin to cry this pain, it may begin as shame or inward self-hate feelings. But eventually (sometimes immediately) it becomes the outward rage that it was meant to be, and you’ll find yourself crying rage/hatred AT somebody or some situation. Then you may go back to crying something inward and self-focussed. Back and forth. This is the pretzel, untwisting itself, and dissipating the compressed energy charge of the rage.

2. Taking In Other People’s Hatred: This is a very difficult, but very common way that self-hate forms. It is difficult, because at the root of it is the feeling of being hated. We usually receive this kind of hatred when we are open and boundary-less. Children receive hatred from others all the time, and never know that it’s not their own. The hatred coming from another person is actually taken in and held deep within the soul. We have called this the DarkDeath, because that’s how it feels when you hold another person’s hatred energy within yourself.

The feeling of being hated is horrible and horrifying. There is nothing like it. For the soul it’s an experience like death. Several things happen:

• The soul responds to being hated with extreme shame. It’s a feeling like being socked in the gut, and we energetically cave in around the wound, which is generally in our heart and stomach area.
• We feel terror of it happening again. And terror hates to be in a state of anticipation, desperately wants to know what happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Terror begins a scramble to “be good”, in whatever ways it seems may keep hatred from hitting us again. Yin energy people commonly present this way.
• We feel rage at the unfairness of it. We may try to “prove” how wrong the hatred is, or we may try to prove how right it is, by acting out our complete and total “badness”. Yang energy people will commonly present this way.
• Since its origins are not in the mind, we may not be able to understand why we continually feel so unworthy and hated. And we may not be able to distinguish this feeling from our own self-hate. When we take in hatred from another person, we feel it as our own. We own it, even though it is not ours. Mind tries to understand why we are being hated. Mind may form elaborate constructs to explain the feelings. Mind concludes we must have done something to cause it, and begins to act in collusion with the hatred. And so the blame/shame cycle begins.

The bottom line here is that this outside hatred we call the DarkDeath cannot be rationalized or fixed. And it cannot be cried. You cannot cry and heal what does not belong to you. What we can cry is the result. We can cry our response to this hatred, the pain of feeling hated. We can cry the anger at how unfair it feels, we can cry the heartbreak and the sadness. But the hatred we are holding here cannot cry and heal. It must be released and given back to its rightful home.

Why Do We Hold It? Usually we receive this hatred when we are vulnerable and lacking in boundaries, and before we have an understanding of Self vs. Other. So we often don’t know that this hatred does not belong to us. In addition, if we live with constant abuse, then we are also imprinted with the belief that we MUST NOT FORM BOUNDARIES or say NO to the abuse, that we must stay open to “what we deserve”. Our Belief System then says we deserve this, and that we must continue to accept it and hold it. Staying open to another person’s hatred then, becomes the pattern for our lives. We may not have always known how to hold against this hatred. We may not have been able to form boundaries or say no to it. But we can change this now. We CAN give the hatred back. We can form boundaries to prevent ever taking in more hatred again. And we can heal the wounds the hatred created in our soul.

The Patterns in Action

Self-hate patterns tend to act out either the blame or the shame, depending on whether we are primarily yin or yang polarized. Yin people will generally act out their self-hate passively. Generally they let other people do the hating, and they mostly feel only the shame. Yang people will be more actively self-hating and self-sabotaging. Their patterns tend to act out on the self. If they do try to draw others into harming them or create dangerous situations, it will be done in colorful and dramatic ways. The flamboyant and visible self-hater is usually a yang energy person.

That doesn’t mean they don’t both have shame and blame, it simply means that yin and yang polar people deal with the feelings differently. Both the shame and the blame need to be dealt with in order for self-hate patterns to truly heal.

As we said above, self-hate can manifest in many ways, and can use other patterns to act out. For instance, people with self-hate as their LIFE pattern, might run simultaneous addiction and judgment patterns as well as several of the patterns below.

The Doormat - This is actually one of the Powerless Patterns, commonly co-opted by self-hate. The Doormat literally lets everybody walk all over them. They may feel they have no value in the world, or they may place their value in how MUCH they’re getting walked on, and how WELL they can take it. In this way, the pattern both outpictures unworthiness, and avoids the real feelings of unworthiness, because the person can tell themselves they have value because they’re being self-less and generous and caring of other’s feelings. What they’re actually doing is negating their own needs and rights (and often boundaries and property) and allowing others to occupy the space they should keep for themselves by divine right.

The Punching Bag - Usually a yin pattern. The Punching Bag believes physical pain/punishment is inevitable. They anticipate the blows, and like a dog that has been beaten, goes into a submissive stance before a hand can even be raised. When the blows come, there’s a sense of relief. Waiting and anticipating it creates horrible fear and tension, and often this pattern will do something to provoke an “incident”. Make no mistake here, we do not blame the victim for their patterns. But half the battle of breaking these patterns is recognizing how they are acting out in our lives, even when we don’t consciously want what they bring us. When this pattern is found in yang people, it usually lends itself to sado-masochistic rituals where the physical pain is actively sought out and agreed to by the “submissive” partner.

The Garbage Can - Like the Punching Bag, this pattern acts out in what it allows others to do TO us, but usually it stays in the verbal and emotional realm. The Garbage Can literally allows themselves to be “dumped on” by everybody and anybody. Husbands, wives, bosses, even children are allowed to scoff, scorn, belittle, put down, make fun of, rage at and blame the Garbage Can for anything that goes wrong. It’s amazing how easily we fall into patterns of accepting this kind of abuse. We may excuse it because it’s not physical. But it is still abuse, and the effects are JUST as harmful. NOTE: Blaming the “abuser” doesn’t help you get free of the pattern. What is needed here is to deal with the self-hate and shame that leaves the door open or draws these things to you. It’s the only way to be really and truly free and in charge.

The Martyr - The various manifestations of the Martyr pattern are often co-opted by self-hate. Sacrifices that are not appreciated and that end with rejection are primary with this pattern. The Foolis a good example of this.

The Bad Girl/Boy - Most commonly taken on by yang polar people. The Bad Girl/Boy plays the social outcast, the whore, the criminal, the Incorrigible One. Their yang energy makes them defiant in their “badness”, and they often flaunt it in outrageous ways. They can even feel superior to the “good” people and make a big show of pretending they don’t care about being accepted. But the truth is that they do care, and deep down they believe they will never be accepted.

The Self-Mutilator - This pattern can act out in many ways. The act of cutting, burning or pounding your own flesh is both active and passive. It fulfills both the hate and the shame, and that makes it extremely addictive and seductive. Hiding the activity is part of the shame, so one of the best things you can do with this pattern is tell somebody.

The “Accident Prone” - This pattern takes the person and causes frequent “accidents” and injuries that can range from little bumps and bruises to broken bones and critical, near-death injuries. This is not usually a conscious thing! Although there may be some who consciously choose self-injury, most “accident prone” people are operating from an unconscious pattern that literally works in their bodies and lives to cause falls and burns and explosions. Although unconscious, there is a pay-off with this pattern, which can make it very addictive. The sympathy you get when you’re recovering from an injury is attention you may never get at any other time. Since you secretly believe you don’t deserve this kind of attention, the price must be paid ahead of time, in physical pain.

The Lonely One - Like the Bad Girl/Boy, this pattern is the social outcast. But unlike the yang energy people who carry their Bad Girl/Boy status like a badge, the Lonely Ones are often never seen. They are Alone. They feel (and sometimes are) invisible. They speak with soft voices that nobody really hears. They never seem to find love and even family relationships are outside their reach. They long for companionship and love and warmth and sharing. But they don’t believe they deserve it or can ever find it. They walk alone, and they believe they will always be alone, forever.

The Great One - This is the pendulum swing into grandiosity in the person who is trying desperately to avoid how totally value-less they feel. They push their self-hate away, stuff it into a corner of the attic, and walk through life in the Better-Than illusion. Everything is GREAT! They’ve overcome it all, have no problems, and in fact, are doing better than most other people! They may pretend they’re not doing it, but a secret voice is running all the time, running the judgment pattern as a means of keeping their own self-hate at bay. Often this pattern is so successful at creating the illusion of Big and Great and Wonderful and Oh-So-Powerful, that everybody in the person’s life is fooled. The crash, when it comes, is usually heavy and deeply devastating.

That Critical Voice - This isn’t so much a pattern as a constant running critical energy in the background. We may not hear it during the day when we are active and busy. It may only come to our awareness at quiet times, like when we’re preparing for sleep, or trying to meditate. This is when self-hate brings forth all the things that it has been saving up, all the things we have ever done or said that we feel bad about. It may replay old scenes and conversations when you said something stupid or caused someone pain. It may simply list the dumb things you did that day. If you start to feel too good about yourself, it will drag something really big out of the closet, something it has been saving up for just this occasion, something that will really remind you how stupid/wrong/bad/crazy you are. Getting this voice to shut up is very hard. You can use any number of techniques - affirmations, meditation, getting busy, getting drunk - but the only thing that stops it entirely is to cry the shame that is triggered by the voice. When you’re done crying the shame from something, you can check it off the list and tell the voice, “There, you can’t lash me with THAT one anymore!”