Memo appending memo re: staff stuff.

This a a sub memo to the memo previously. Some of you did not appear to understand the joined up writing from the HR dept, so we redid the edict.

Read it!

 

 

Memo to All Employees: Due to the recent economic downturn, we have been forced to implement a new method of employee deductions to paychecks effective as of June 1, 2007.
[By MR. VP]

*SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE* We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*SURGERY* Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

*BEREAVEMENT LEAVE* This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

*YOUR OWN DEATH* This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

*REST ROOM USE* Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who’s names beginning with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 And so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open AND YOUR PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN.

*PAYCHECK GUIDE* The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. This will apply in all cases per/$1000 earned:

Gross Pay $1,000.00
Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $2.22 Down tax $1.11 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $3.46 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 FICA $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Reassurance $0.11 Disability $2.50	Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Unreliability $10.99 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don’ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern Time $9.00 Central Time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific Time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Sundry $12.09 Various $8.01
Net Take Home Pay $0.02

*FINAL THOUGHTS* Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere. All comments and concerns should be sent to the company arbitrator. Costs for this service is $.02 per $1000 salary earned. Please pre-pay this fee with all correspondence.

CFM Helpful Policies

Just a Reminder

This is a lighthearted view of the world through the eyes of CFM personel.

Dont forget to visit our Research Doctrinal and Deep stuff Blog to see what we are all about.

Our main web presence is here 

CFMin Staff Computer issues

We start this note with a reminder…It took some users a while to come to grips with the intuitive way Windows works. .. made by industry giant Microsoft Corporation… a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing…

 “Hiroshima ‘45… Chernobyl ‘86… Windows ‘95…” (thank you Monica..very funny..

please do not add comments to my notes..thank you. Yes IM serious, see…

I wrote IM in CAPITALS!)

 

Yes folks, we doin’ the computer thing again. 

Please remember No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware 

of what it’s doing; but most of the time, we aren’t either. So, in order to 

get this tech stuff out the way, 

I want to answer Jimmys question first: 

“Which is better, Freebsd, or Linux?”

The answer is obvious Jimmy, FreeBSD because it has a cooler md5: 

fd861d80cc9153edc2d68a3d67980385 is much better than

1b61f2a016f7478478fcb13130fcec7b. OK?

Jerry, Im working on your problem, 

The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which

 failed to initialize because of the following error:

 “The operation completed successfully.”

Not having much luck as of yet though.

Marci, you posed the question “If all it takes is an infinite number 

of monkeys with typewriters, 

how come AOL haven’t written any Shakespeare yet?” and I have to 

ask whether we should 

take it seriously or not, please phone me to clarify.

Michael, I sent you all the info I have on your project, your reply 

“The following two statements are usually both true:

There’s not enough documentation. 

There’s too much documentation.” smacks a little of sarcasm.

Jan, please remember In any business, the customer is always right, 

except when he calls technical support. 

Finally, I have to admit: _all_ OS’s _do_ suck. VMS sucks. 

Solaris sucks. SunOS sucks. MS-DOS doesn’t qualify. Ultrix/OSF1/Digital Unix/Whatever 

it is this week sucks. HP/UX sucks. Dynix sucks. Esix sucks. 

CTIX sucks. Coherent sucks. 

SCO sucks. Xenix also doesn’t qualify. Unicos sucks. 

MVS sucks. VM sucks. CMS sucks. 

NOS sucked. CP/M sucks. TOPS-20 didn’t suck bad enough, 

so it had to be destroyed. Finally, the small print:

As a computing professional, I believe it would be unethical for me to
 advise, recommend, or support the use (save possibly for personal amusement)
 of any product that is or depends on any Microsoft product.

Admin. Techtype person

CFM staff tip 101

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean
desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working
hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same
as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and
wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury
the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack
and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

E.V. to G.W.

In response to your request…

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station …. what more can I say……….

cfm HR paycheck explanation to all staff

Understanding Your Paycheck

We have had a number of requests for clarification of the pay codes.

Here is an example. Please do not ask again.

GROSS PAY: $1222.02

INCOME TAX      OUTGO TAX       STATE TAX       INTERSTATE TAX  COUNTY TAX
  244.40          45.21           61.10            5.89           6.11

CITY TAX        RURAL TAX       BACK TAX        FRONT TAX       SIDE TAX
  12.22           4.44            1.11            1.16            1.61

UP TAX          DOWN TAX        KNICKNACK TAX   HACKENSAC TAX   THUMBTAX
  2.22            1.11            1.98            3.93            0.98

CARPET TAX      SNACK TAX       SURTAX          MA'AM TAX       PARKING FEE
  0.69            8.32            3.46            3.46            5.00

NO PARKING FEE  F.I.C.A.        T.G.I.F.        LIFE INS.       HEALTH INS.
  10.00           81.88           9.95            5.85            16.23

DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS.    LIABILITY INS.  DENTAL INS.     MENTAL INS.
  2.50            0.25            3.41            4.50            4.33

FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE          COFEE CUPS      CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL
  0.11            6.85          66.51              3.06           16.85

CHAIR RENTAL    DESK RENTAL     UNION DUES      UNION DON'TS    CASH ADVANCES
  4.32            4.32            5.85             3.77            0.69

CASH RETREATS   OVERTIME        UNDERTIME       EASTERN TIME    CENTRAL TIME
  121.35          1.26             54.83           9.00            8.00

MOUNTAIN TIME   PACIFIC TIME    DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME   TIME OUT
  7.00            6.00                 4.44               12.21

OXYGEN          WATER           ELECTRICITY     HEAT    AIR CONDITIONING
 10.02          16.54             38.23         51.42        46.83

MISC
169.24

TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02

CFM Work ethics.

We work them hard at CFM!

Christian Freedom Ministries employment entrance exam.

The CFM like each staff member to be a well rounded individual. Hence the exam covers a broad range of subjects

Instructions

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

History

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking

2,500 aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm Them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your theses.

Music

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

Management Science

Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Literature

Write an epic of not less than 10,000 rhymed couplets on The Ascent of Man; do not use more than four different languages. Then write a critical essay explaining the intentional fallacy of your poem.

Engineering

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, The Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Mathematics

Provide a counter example to Goldbach’s Conjecture. Reconstruct Fermat’s proof of Fermat’s Theorem. Using the construction paper and Scotch tape found on the back of this exam, build a working model of a sphere which can be turned inside out without any folds.

Chemistry

Using the materials leftover in the box containing the rifle, along with the chemicals provided in the first aid kit, build an atomic bomb. This is to be used in the next question.

Political Science

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Physics

Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit

Define the universe. Give three examples.

If you finish before time is called, go back and check your work

Restroom Policy

Restroom Policy

To: All employees
From: CFM admin
RE: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under information guidelines. Effective Feb. 1, 2007, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time.

Under this policy, a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20. Restroom Trip Credits can be accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before January 31, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Management. The voice print recognition will be in operation, but not connected to restrooms until the end of the month. Employees should acquaint themselves with these stations during that period.

If an employee’s Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom will not unlock for that employee’s voice until the first of the month. In addition, any restroom stalls that are occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will open. If the stall still remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office. This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms. Anyone’s picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated.

If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.